Hurtful

A little while ago I was at a party with my husband. I was having a nice evening talking with a friend about mom stuff. All the sudden a woman whom I also know came over and starting talking to my same friend, I knew the woman pretty well, I have had several conversations with her and while I wouldn’t count her a good friend, nothing had ever really happened to make me think we were enemies.

So, I smiled and said “Hi” to the woman. I was a little more than surprised when she looked at me, said nothing and took my friend by the arm and turned both their backs to me. The only thing I could think was “Well what the heck did I ever say or do to her?”

Maybe 10 minutes later I saw that Same Woman who blew me off, talking to my husband. She was laughing and giggling and carrying on a long discussion with him, looking back at me from time to time in pretty much a “in your face” sort of way.

I still don’t know what I did to her. Given her treatment towards me, it must have been awful (obviously it wasn't intentional, or I could/would remember). I will say this though- I’m so tired of mean, witchy women. I know that this kind of thing happens to women all the time, but I still hate it. In one month I had 2 women call me just to give me crap about a new job I’m working on, several more women gossiped about me and my “inability” to take care of my kids, and another woman started a conversation with me Just to walk off right in the middle of it. It has come to my attention that some women think that I am above feeling hurt. Let me set that straight right now-

This is me, or at least what I look like.

When I look in the mirror, I see the hairy mole above my lip. I see the 10 extra pounds hanging around my hips and thighs, pounds that I’ll never get rid of… No Matter How Many Miles I Run, because I was built that way. I see hair that gets cut once a year and is ratty. I see nails that I bite and have only been manicured once in my life. I see zits, blemishes, sun spots, stretch marks, and scars.

How do I feel on the inside? Well, **Sometimes I feel awkward. I sometimes feel awkward because I don’t run like the majority of the women around me do. Sometimes I feel awkward because I was home schooled and because I have home schooled my kids. I sometimes feel awkward because my husband and I foster kids and people think that it’s weird (at least that’s what some have told me). I sometimes feel awkward because women around me Love to talk about their accomplishments only to say so kindly in a I’ve got my nose pointing down on you sort of way “And what do you do with your day besides be with children?". Sometimes I feel awkward because I have a big mouth when it comes to politics, and I am Not politically correct. But mostly I feel awkward sometimes because I am a woman, and my harshest critic.

As I write this, I’m eating cookies, which will probably give me gas which will make me even more awkward. But suffices to say, I am the only me I know how to be. That means I do have massive guilt about the weeks’ worth of laundry piled up on my bed (and believe me, it’s there!) but I don’t care if I’m not the most organized woman in the world… and damn it, why should I have to? I like me awkward, large thighs and all.

But, to the point of this post: I have weaknesses. And yes, when some women want to make me feel small and unimportant they can be successful. But after I am done crying my eyes out, I WILL get up off my bed and I Will Be Nicer. Thanks to the mean, catty, and superficial women of the world, I have learned that the only true beauty a woman can possess is the beauty of her words, her thoughts and her actions. I am grateful that I at least have enough confidence in who I am to write this post, as awkward as it is. I figure if I feel this way, maybe others do as well, and if we know we're not alone, it makes the hard times just a little easier.

*I'm not posting this to get a bunch of comments about what you think of me, but thank you to those who have! I just wanted to share this because I know we all deal with this, it doesn't matter where you live, what you look like, how big or small you are... women can be cruel no matter what. So knowing that we all suffer with flaws and insecurity's, we don't need to be adding more on to each other.

**"Sometimes" was added for clarification. When someone puts you down or belittles you, you can feel more vulnerable, and you start thinking about everything YOU don't like about you. Truth is, Every woman from time to time feels awkward, alone and/or not good enough. We all become vulnerable at times. Be Kind to one another, even our friend the "anonymous" poster. Who knows, maybe he/she is fighting a harder inner battle than we will ever know.